Shrimp Tacos! Or: Cabbage, tomatos and other stuffs

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The most ridiculous thing I ever did to see a concert was, on a Friday afternoon in November at 5PM, leave work in New York City, fly to Phoenix, AZ from Laguardia, rent a car, sleep in a Motel 6 with 5 other people, get up Saturday morning, drive 7 hours over the border to Puerto Penasco, Mexico (with only mariachi music available on the radio), play in the warm water of the Sea of Cortez, check into another hotel room, eat shrimp tacos, Watch a concert in the rain, go to bed, wake up, eat shrimp tacos, drive the 7 hours back to Phoenix, get on a plane and fly something close to a red-eye back to New York City. I was back at work at 7:45 AM on Monday morning.

I can barely contain myself when I see these ingredients together.

Needless to say, shrimp tacos are something really special for me because they are, perhaps, the most vivid things I remember from that trip. They were barbecued shrimp in corn tortillas, fresh pico de gallo and shredded cabbage. I can taste them now. Goddamn, this is the food of gods. Given, the flavors of shrimp, tomato, corn and cabbage trigger memories in me that other folks don’t have, but when I’ve made my pales-in-comparison version for other folks, they agree – it’s  universally pretty damn good (even though they’re not being consumed by the Sea of Cortez).

Oil twice around the pan, Rachael Ray style.

Sadly, corn tortillas are presently a no-no for me, but I still want to hit those flavors, beacuse I’m not sure I want to live in a world where I can’t eat some variation on one of my favorite dishes.  This is where we get creative.  Cabbage.

Sautee Shrimp, a chopped clove of garlic, half a red onion, salt, pepper and half-whole can of crushed tomatoes

Now, I don’t remember where I first hit on the idea of using cabbage as sandwich construction material, but it has stuck with me and my cooking companion and I thought: rather than substitute, let’s just eliminate and repurpose. And so, I present to you: sauteed shrimp and guac in cabbage leaves!

Place on crisp cabbage leaf, top with guac and maybe even a pickled jalapeno or two.

Hint: Forget Ina Garten’s Brussel Sprouts. I could eat THESE like french fries. Goddamn. Probably one of the best meals I’ve made in a while. Margarita, please!

So Give Me Coffee & TV

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This is a glass of Merlot. In the background is a glass of Guiness and a jar of water.

I made this picture big on purpose, because this is the elephant in the proverbial diet room.

Before I start, I really want to preface this with a little personal background. You’re welcome to skip this part if you just want the nuts and bolts.

<BLAH BLAH>For reasons that I would never begin to know how to replicate if I were to rear my own children (would I even want to replicate this??), disinterest in alcohol was constant for me straight through high school, college and years beyond. My friends in high school were generally straight-laced, studious and hard-working and alcohol was not a part of my high school experience. I thought of myself as an artist, an athlete and a bit of a health nut, so it just wasn’t part of the identity I was creating for myself.

In college, I had a wonderful, amazing roommate who would not touch alcohol or any other substance – even, eventually, at her own wedding. She remained my closest friend straight through college and had a big influence on my day-to-day life at Drew.  My first-hand introduction to excesses of alcohol consumption at the collegiate level was limited a brief study-abroad stint in the beautiful Republic of South Africa and Homesickness. I immediately recovered from this slight binge upon my re-entry to the United States.

My general philsophy was that as an athlete, alcohol was bad for my performance; as a female, it was bad for my sense of control; as a rabid music fan, it detracted from the shows I attended; as a writer, it was bad for my creativity and focus; and as a burgeoning foodie, it was bad for my wallet.

Life gets in the way sometimes, though.

In the last few years, I did start drinking socially. I found I have an almost hobby-level appreciation for craft beers and I’ve learned to enjoy a glass or two of red wine with friends. On the flip side though, I’ve been nurturing a writer’s block almost a decade old, I stopped making time for music and I don’t really compete at anything athletic anymore. I’m not going to say that one caused the other.  I teach correlation vs. causation twice a year at Riverdale and this is definitely the former. However, there’s a reason I’ve put them together in this paragraph.

Starting with my entrance into graduate school, I began to drink alone while writing my papers. Then, while reading. Then, starting last July, I found myself drinking almost every night, no matter what it was I was doing, because I thought it was actually making me feel better. I’m not saying I was an alcoholic. I wasn’t. I’m just saying that this is where our discussion of diet and alcohol begins. </BLAH BLAH>

I first became aware of the issues that alcohol presents anyone on a controlled diet when I was probably around 10 and on WeightWatchers. Now, as far as I’m concerned, no 10 year old should ever be on Weight Watchers. If you want to have me rant at you about it sometime, leave a comment letting me know and I’ll buy you a coffee to nurse while I do so. For the time being, let’s all move along.

At the time, WeightWatchers didn’t allow alcohol  (it has begun allowing it since) – In fact, during meetings (EVERYONE had to go to meetings when I was in WeightWatchers, even the 10 year old), there would be whole blocks of time dedicated to how to deal with social functions and alcohol. Given the fact that I was 10, this seemed strange to me – if it’s bad for you and stops you from reaching your goal, why would you still feel the need to have it? <insert your and my inability to clearly and universally answer this question here>

This theme has continued with every programmed eating plan I’ve tried since – alcohol is always an issue, right down to my most recent stint reading Robb Wolf’s wonderfully accessible The Paleo Solution. This guy keeps talking about his freaking Nor Cal Margaritas! And, if we look at my diet reading in July, it’s freaking Tim Ferris and his general prohibition of alcohol except for an Rx of 2x Red Wine every day. What now? SO CONFUSED.

I don’t really have an answer to this – Robb Wolf suggests distilled liquor if you’re going to drink. It seems like most folks on Paleo forums will make occasional allowances for dry wines (dry = less sugar) or hard ciders. Some even brought up Mead, which is honey-based.

Since breaking my mostly-teetotalling streak of childhood to early adulthood and breaking into drinking like an American adult, I’ve found it hard to go back to how it was. Not because of my weird July-October wine binge, but because I’ve realized that the 13 holes I’ve put in my body, the two unrepaired menisucus tears, the bike crashes, the yard sales, the bruises on my arms in my prom pictures (fencing, people! fencing!), the book and tooth I chipped in a mosh pit are all related to Robb Wolf’s NorCal Margaritas. Even though I’ve never met Robb Wolf. In a weird, but really not so weird way, it’s a celebration of life. We can’t be perfect all the time – we occasionally need to trainwreck ourselves, or even just trip ourselves up a little to let loose and really appreciate the relationships we’ve made, the physical health we’ve maintained, or the goals we’ve met (or worked at and missed). It’s silly for me to fear loss of control, to feel holier-than-thou at shows, to think I’m such a great athelte that my performance suffers so much – or to think that writing without a little liquid courage isn’t warranted occasionally.

I’m not drinking as I write this – I haven’t had a drink in weeks. But, I did just finish a good Friday night class with a slight twinge in my lower back and it got me thinking about what it is I’m doing – the thesis, the paleo, the crossfit, the skiing, the job, the relationships, the life.  That’s why Robb Wolf says to go ahead and have a NorCal Margarita. That’s why Tim Ferriss likes his two glasses of Merlot every night. And that’s why I like my sports, my music, my writing – and even, in moderation, my wine and beer. Because they all make life a little more interesting, a little more tolerable, and they make planet earth a more pleasant place to spend 85 years – and isn’t that why we’re doing all this paleo shit in the first place?

So, have a glass when your favorite beer is on tap. If you’re working hard, you deserve it, and life is good.

Bacon Buffalo Wings

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Note: The following post contains cursing. Yep.

In honor of the Super Bowl, I decided to tackle one of my most favorite American foods: Buffalo Wings.

But, before we start, I need you all to know that I’m a purist. Always will be.

Buffalo wings are chicken wings, original Frank’s Red Hot and butter. You can’t say “But…” or “Well…”, because there is simply no argument. In 19fucking64, The fucking Anchor Bar in fucking Buffalo, New York made them with fucking chicken wings, fucking Frank’s and fucking butter. End of fucking story.

Cut up your wings - Separate tips & dispose or keep for stock purposes. Also: Separate drumsticks from wings.

I’ll help you through this, but we won’t be making Buffalo wings because we’ll be missing one key ingredient in the holy triumvarite of Buffalo wing ingredients. Instead, we’ll be making plain ole (paleo) hot wings. As long as we all agree on this point, we can get through this together and make something that is delicious.

Place, with love, one layer deep in your fryer. Fryer should be heated to at around 350.

Your first place to start is a deep fryer. Sure, Alton Brown is like “Hey! Baking Buffalo wings is fun and easy!”, and sure, his recipe is the second hit on the “buffalo wings” Google search. I’ve tried his recipe more than once. It’s pretty damned good, but it’s not Buffalo Wings and baking is NEVER completely a replacement for something that is correctly deep fried. To top this all of, Mark Sisson lays the science behind deep frying out and gives it a stamp of approval, so long as it’s not an everyday thing – this is a sometimes food. We’re trying to get as close as possible to the real thing, so we’re going to proceed with frying.

20 minutes like this should do the trick.

To deep fry these babies you can fill a pot/pan with oil and deep fry that way, but unless this is a real Buffalo Wing emergency (I’ve had those), get a fryer, have a fryer, or borrow your neighbor’s. The pot/pan method can be messy, easy to screw up (unless you get it at JUST the right temp every time), and occasionally dangerous. The fryer will be great for sweet potato fries (upcoming post), and a host of other paleo indulgences. I mean, seriously, have you ever had a deep-fried egg? You have not lived until you have.

Oil

I use Vegetable Oil, which I think is really just corn oil (paleo no-no). Why? I actually don’t make buffalo wings that often, Canola oil smells like fish at high temperatures (true!!), peanut oil is hard to find in large quantities (although BJs in West Nyack does have it in large quantities) and it’s expensive (and is also a paleo no-no). Some paleo folks suggest deep frying with coconut oil, but I have no experience cooking with coconut oil and no time to get up to speed with it before the game, so I’m going to be using what I’m comfortable with, even despite the risks of extra inflammation that comes with vegetable oil.

If we’re doing this right (i.e. cooking at a high enough temperature), there will be very little oil leftover on the wings, so we’ll risk it a little in this category.

Wings

Wings are Paleo/primal because we are basically cutting the wings off the carcass of a bird. If you don’t know that, stop trying to cook paleo, buy or borrow Robb Wolf’s book, and come back here in a week.

Frank’s Red Hot

Frank’s Red Hot is comprised of: Aged Cayenne Red Peppers, Distilled Vinegar, Water, Salt, Natural Flavor and Garlic Powder. I will be using it. Make your own call.

Butter

Ok, let’s talk about butter. I mean, we really already had this conversation, but let’s talk about butter in wing sauce. I’m being as strict paleo/primal as possible, so we can’t use the third ingredient in the holy Buffalo triumvirate. How do we make up for this? We have a few options:

  • Just toss in Frank’s (yawn!)
  • Use Clarified Butter (which is more Paleo-ish, but not Cordain paleo, and, honestly, less tasty in this use)
  • Dip our toes in the shallow end of the Coconut Oil pool with the sauce
  • Bread with almond meal and lots of spices and maybe some stevia to the Frank’s!
  • USE FUCKING BACON FAT

Oh, I’m sorry, I only see one choice up there – I thought I was going to give you five, but I must have gotten distracted by the fact that there will be FUCKING BACON FAT in my delicious, awesome, holy-shit hot wings. Now, we COULD fry in bacon fat (which is what I think the Bridgeview Tavern in Tarrytown does to their ridiculously good hot-wings), but, in a more reasonable and time-sensitive move, we will just be adding our filtered breakfast drippings to our gametime snack’s sauce. Plus, that means I get to have bacon for breakfast. Everyone wins!

Fry up some delicious smoked bacon!

Franks into a small sauce pot on low heat

BACON GREASE (good lord, my mother went wrong somewhere when bringing me up). I used about 1/4 of the drippings from 5 pieces of Smithfield bacon. Taste as you add.

I decided to overcook my bacon, crumble it into tiny pieces, and add it to the sauce.

It was tasty, but a bit watery. Almond meal as a bit of a thickener. Normally, I'd use flour or corn starch. Sigh. Not so much right now.

THE VERDICT: I didn’t take any pictures of the finished wings because the first batch went sour (not literally, I just messed up) and I was bringing the second batch to friends and it was already past halftime when they were done. But my friends seemed to like them – they finished the bowl I served with carrots and celery (no blue cheese – we’ll tackle that another day) I know I freaking LOVED them. I definitely ate a dinners’ worth as I was cooking. Self-high five!

Roasted Brussel Sprouts

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Bear with me here: Brussel Sprouts. In my other posts, I kind of like to link to a bunch of different sites so folks can see my thought process and see the other options, but this Ina Garten recipe is perfect. No other links necessary.

Now, when I found this recipe, dear Ina had a nice little comment on the bottom in which she says “(I like these salty like french fries)” which my strange collection of gray matter cells interpreted as “(I like to eat these like french fries).” Don’t ask, but I was sold.

It wasn’t ’til after I spent an hour in front of the TV eating these babies like popcorn that I realized I’d misread her text – but both are true. Salt them and eat them like french fries (or popcorn). You’ll want to correct anyone who uses the phrase “Brussel sprouts” as a metaphor for disgusting food forever after.

Plain ole Brussel Sprouts

I bought these brussel sprouts from Stop’n'Shop in Nanuet, although I really love buying them at Old World Food Market on 59 – they have them loose in a basket (left-hand side of the produce section, bottom shelf, near the back) and you can pick & choose what you want – and, I think, they ultimately come out cheaper than these little Stop’n'Shop bundles. Seriously. I make these often enough that I’ve thought about all this stuff. This recipe is that good.

You’ll want to remove the dried stalk ends and some of the browning or dirty outer leaves. If they’re large, chop them in half.

Outer Leaves & Dried Stalk End GONE!

Halved!

Once I’ve done that, I usually dump them all in a large, plastic ziploc storage bag. Trust me on this one. A bowl will do, but a bag is better.

I pour extra virgin olive oil, kosher salt & pepper into the bag. Check Ina’s recipe for amounts – I’ve gotten to the point where I can eyeball this recipe, and now I have no idea what amounts I’m using.

Then, I zip the bag closed and shake it to coat all the sprouts in oil, salt and pepper. Mmmmm. Just don’t turn the bag upside down. I did that once and ended up with my floor coated as well.  Oops.

Pour out your oily, salty goods onto a baking sheet and spread them out so they are one layer deep.

Bake at 400 for 35-40 minutes. I usually check on them once or twice and shake the pan to turn the sprouts a little. You’ll want to bake them until they’re a little brown and very soft on the inside. Add more salt if you like – but they’ll be pretty delicious no matter what. Eat them like french fries.

Housekeeping

Aside

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Just a few housekeeping notes:

1) Parts II and III of Tracking were delayed due to the Motaba Virus. I will work on them this coming week when I actually have workouts to track.

2) Because I was sick, out of work for four days, and couldn’t do much beyond lump around in my bed, catch up on The Wire and read The TCP/IP Guide, I had a lot of extra time to write and organize pictures. Subsequently, I have a backlog of paleo recipe experiments and other sundry items. These will be scheduled at intervals that won’t make my Facebook friends nuts. However, when I’m not sick, I promise posting frequency will go down. I have a freaking Thesis, after all.

3) I’ve changed the SSO-ish logins for commenting. This broke comments from the old system. I don’t feel like fixing them, but my gift to you is that comments will be better.  Also, to protect the privacy of my Facebook friends, I’ve turned off Facebook post integration. You’re welcome.

4) In the past week, I’ve discovered that everyone, and their respective mothers, uses the WordPress theme that I’m using, which, of course, means that I am now in the market for a new theme. If you have any recommendations for something clean, two column and not too dark, let me know. If you have any way to cure my fear of the status quo, that would also be appreciated, because it only makes more work for me.

5) I will makeup my failed Kelly workout on Sunday. You, dear reader, are welcome to join me.

OK, so maybe it’s a hobby

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This is getting a little silly.

I’ve not been to the gym since Saturday (Kelly, and something that resembled the Motaba Virus, beat me). I’ve spent the last week basically feeling like Renee Russo in her dying scene in Outbreak, which was my favorite movie when I was 12.

Great Moments in Movie History: Renee Russo in Outbreak

Oddly enough, despite my memories of Outbreak as a great cinematic event, there are almost no stills from the movie, let alone good stills of Renee Russo or Kevin Spacey dying of Motaba. Oh well.

Note: I decided I resembled Renee Russo this last week, and not Kevin Spacey, because Renee Russo and I have similar hair. And Kevin Spacey is male.

Great Moments in Movie History: Renee Russo's Hair

Last night, I went by the wonderful, large, store-front windows of Crossfit Nyack and felt a little like Charlie as he watches everyone’s favorite scene in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. In case you’re not following my pretty obvious metaphor, all the wonderful folks I usually work out with are the kids, and I’ll let Matt and Pete (Coaches!) be a team of Aubrey Woodseseese…erm, Woodses(?), pouring fun sticks and 30lb bars and kettlebells out, for free, to all the good little Nyack crossfitters.

 It’s minute 2:24 of this video. In case you’re still missing the metaphor.
(this was all an excuse to indulge myself in searching for Willy Wonka-related internet things. I love Roald Dahl. So much.)

No worries though! All of this writing is for a reason! And that reason is namely that I woke up this morning, worshipped at the throne of nasal irrigation (ew? Did I just write that?) and decided I was ready for class tonight.

Ready, set, go…

Edit 8:22PM: It was a 1.5 WOD day at Crossfit Nyack today. I finished both WODs, felt awesome and had fun. I look forward to waking up tomorrow sore. Goddamn, I didn’t even realize I missed that feeling til it was gone.

Cauliflower Crust Pizza

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Growing up, I hated Cauliflower. I’m not sure why. I loved green veggies, but cauliflower and me just did not get along. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to eat it roasted, in stir fry, etc. However, it’s this paleo thing that has really gotten me to appreciate this versatile vegetable. It’s the coconut milk of starch if you’re Cordain-paleo/primal. Or something like this: Coconut Milk:dairy::Cualiflower:Starchy white stuff.

Steam the cut-up cauliflower

Steam the cut-up cauliflower

Since reading Tim Ferris’s weird, unsustainable but helpful Four-Hour Body in July, I’ve enjoyed such wonders as riced cauliflower, cauliflower soup, mashed cauliflower (mmmmm!), cauliflower curry (with coconut milk!) and have even, on occasion, had cold raw cauliflower as filler when I was particularly hungry at breakfast time.

Mash, food process, or, in our case, hand-blend, the soft cauliflower

My cooking companion (who, may I note, is not even eating paleo…he just likes a challenge) upped the ante: mashed cauliflower pizza crust. We’ll be using this recipe as inspiration. I need to note though, that as far as I was concerned, mozzarella was out of the question.

Bob’s Almond Meal/Flour (from Stop ‘n’ Shop in Nanuet)
Adding Bob’s Almond Meal makes it more doughyish

Dairy is a bit of a weird thing in Paleo/Primal. As far as I can tell from The Paleo Diet, Loren Cordain is squarely against dairy in all forms. Mark Sisson and Robb Wolf seem to take a softer stance on it, approving raw, grassfed, high fat cheeses as an occasional indulgence. Since my butter cake fiasco, I’ve been cutting back on the butter (even the clarified kind) and want to do this sans dairy. My cooking companion and I are an adventurous pair, anyway. We’ll try this without the long, elastic strands of gluten protein that keep regular pizza crusts together and the long, elastic strands of cheese that keep most gluten-free pizza crusts together (Truth! Ask any gluten-free pizza place).

Use Parchment Paper or Aluminum foil to line a pizza pan (this one is 10"). Oil it so things don't stick

Since we can’t use cheese, we checked out a number of other sites trying paleo pizza crusts. Some sites used 100% Almond flour or almond meal and some used a combination of Cauliflower and almond flour or coconut flour, or even pork rinds. I also think I saw a recipe that was 100% cauliflower and relied on coconut oil to hold the thing together. I, however, want to keep the fat content down, and I don’t have coconut oil in the house anyway. So, we’re making this up as we go along. Apparently, I’m the Meg Ryan of pizza crust recipes.

Spread the "dough" on the pizza pan

This crust consisted of a full head of steamed and mashed cauliflower, two eggs, salt, pepper and dried oregano. We used about  3/4 cup Almond meal to make it more doughy. In retrospect, we should have used half a head of cauliflower. I’m a thin-crust girl and this was decidedly Chicago-style-thick in my little pizza pan. The almond meal was added simply to see if it would keep things together a little better. As we all know, nuts and seeds are allowed, but Robb Wolf suggests limiting them, and I read somewhere that one should use them mostly as one would a condiment, so I’m keeping the almond meal to a minimum.

We're using garlic as a topping

...and 90/10 ground beef

...Which we added to a home-madeish red sauce (made from canned crushed tomatoes)

Following the CupcakesOMG! recipe, put the crust on a lightly oiled 10″ pizza pan and baked it at 450 for 15 minutes so it would harden. Afterwards, we added our pre-cooked sauce of 90/10 ground beef, Red Pak crushed tomatoes, onion, minced garlic, whole basil leaves and mushrooms. We baked this until the raw mushrooms looked cooked and took it out. It was served with Ina Garten’s Roasted Brussel Sprouts that you must try.

Toppings!

More garlic, fresh basil and mushrooms

THE VERDICT: This was not a pizza. It was f-ing delicious though – kind of like an upside-down italian shepherd’s pie (or, if you’re being proper, cottage pie). The crust mostly just fell apart. We attributed this to too much cauliflower, lack of parchment paper (it stuck horribly to the alumninum foil we used) and perhaps toppings that were a bit too soppy. Whatever. We finished the whole thing and the next day I was all grumpy because I didn’t have leftovers. I’ll probably try this again to see if I can’t get it closer to an actual pizza, but for now, whatever it was, it was a tasty dinner.

Tracking! Or: I’m a data nerd, Part I – Fitocracy

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Supplement Insight! Inspirational Stories! Live the Lift Life!

So, I recently ordered 5 lbs of Now Sports Whey Protein Isolate from Bodybuilding.com (it was cheaper than Amazon at the time). I’ve been having post-workout protein in some powdered-to-liquid form since college, when Drew’s trainer discovered I just don’t like eating the damn stuff in consistent quantities. He promptly shamed me into buying some nasty-ass soy powder from Edwards in Madison. Gross. It was all chalky and smelled and my lacrosse-playing, swimteam-culting floormates were all like “What are you an action hero?” which was kind of funny, because I was a fencer, which had the reputation of being the AV Club of sports teams.

Anyway, long story short, ten years later, I unpacked the massive orange jug and discovered that not only had Bodybuilding.com sent along a complimentary packet of creatine (uh…what?), but they also sent along a pretty legit, albeit a little preachy/creepy, Diet & Exercise Log.

Oooooh, girl, you did not just try to send me a paper-based diet and exercise log.

My first foray into software diet & exercise tracking came with a beautiful semi-legit copy of Crosstrainer.ca in 2002 – which, I believe, was actually designed to run a personal training studio at the time. It was so f-ing awesome, I never turned back to paper. THERE WERE GRAPHS AND CHARTS.

Since then (and when I could no longer fudge copies of Crosstrainer), I’ve tried the gamut, with a few standouts, including CalorieKing as my 2005 favorite (when I was all “CALORIES ARE ALL THAT MATTER!”) and The Spark winning my heart for a bit in 2007 until all its bells and whistles overwhelmed me. I have friends that like FitDay, too. However, I started looking for something that would track this new semi-hobby of mine (I’m not sure it’s a hobby yet…jury is out…although I am freaking blogging about it. I just keep telling myself it’s to organize my thoughts.).

Methodology: We’re looking at six points of data: Exercise Tracking, Crossfit-Friendly, Social-media friendly, Mobile-friendly, Nutrition Tracking, Cost. These are not unweighted catagories, but I’ve yet to figure out what is more important, except that if it’s free, it wins more than something that costs something unless that something that costs something is cheapish and awesomeish. Also, Nutrition tracking, for me anyway, is probably less important right now. Anyway, I’m not a social scientist, and not really the most qualified person to gauge if something is Cross-fit friendly or not, so most of this is bullshit anyway. Let’s go!

Here are the current contenders: Fitocracy, WODClub and Beyondthewhiteboard (I’m doing this in three parts to save your eyeballs and my fingertips) Continue reading →

Thinking about doing Kelly

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From the Crossfit Subreddit: http://www.reddit.com/r/crossfit/comments/oy5t5/do_all_the_girls/

Goddamn, I’m sick. I mean, I WODded yesterday, but it’s now clear to me that I was in a delusional state induced by Tylenol Cold & Flu Daytime and Mucinex. And anyway, it didn’t really count because I did my Thrusters all wrong (as push presses…) and mostly felt like Weaky McWeakling. WODing with one of the wonderful but also ridiculously fit and shirtless Crossfit Nyack coaches didn’t necessarily help that feeling. My WOD had its analog in the nonsensical work emails I sent on Wednesday while high on industrial-grade Nighttime Flu medication. They went something like this:

So, you get the picture. THAT BEING SAID the comic above still made me laugh because it combined reddit with hyperbole & a half with crossfit jokes (aside: I plan to make my millions on a crossfit joke book). Today, Crossfit Nyack says they’ll be clapping me through   Kelly. Non-Crossfitters, Crossfitters name their workouts after girls sometimes. I’d like to think that their naming scheme is similar to the server naming scheme of Jonathan Reams who, last I worked with him, was naming all of his servers after girls he’d never met. This only became weird when he’d meet girls with one of his servers’ names. Cos “Hey, I have a server named after you…” is not exactly the first thing you want to hear when you meet a cute guy in a bar. In this case, Mr. Crossfit would meet a nice girl named Kelly in a bar and say “Hey, I have a workout that makes people want to die named after you…” and despite his rock-hard abs, outgoing personality and winning social network, Kelly would probably want to shrink into her sparkly shirt and Louboutins and find another bar.

But now, we’re back to the issue at hand: to WOD while it’s pretty obvious that without medication I am, in fact, still recovering.

To WOD or not to WOD — that is the question. Whether it ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer five rounds of rowing, box jumps and wall ball shots on Tylenol Cold while acting as a typhoid Mary for my box, or to take arms against this hacking and general feeling of unwell and by opposing them, to stay in bed — to sleep.

Ok, I’m cutting myself off. Enough of this. I looked up how long one is likely contagious with a headcold and I’m pretty sure I’m in the clear. I’ll head in and see how I feel when I get there.

10:07 AM EDIT: Worst idea I’ve had all week. I mostly just felt crappy and whined at everybody. Who kicked the sleeping turtle, indeed! I’m going back to bed.

Paleo Hot Chocolate! Or: Sweeteners

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So, there’s about 7 dozen recipes for “Paleo Hot Chocolate” if you search google for it – thanks to 7 dozen ladies like me trying this thing and craving something other than tea or coffee for a hot beverage. I’ve been out of commission for a second day thanks to a horrible sore throat and while Celestial Seasonings teas are super-great, one more cup of Red Zinger really wasn’t feeling all that awesome to me. I was watching Downton Abbey (the show that confirms for me that I am, in fact, a girly girl, underneath it all), lamenting missed work, missed classes and missed gym time when the thought of the sugar-free Swiss Miss packets in my pantry snuck into my head.

Before we all start throwing our hands up in the air and yelling our heads off about preservatives and lactose and the horrors of powdered hot chocolate (I really have been watching too much Downton), this is where we stop and think about the glycemic index. UGH.

So, I learned about the glycemic index when? Probably about a year ago – spikes in blood sugar and all that. I don’t quite understand it without re-reading things about it first – I don’t think I’ll ever understand it unless I actually make a serious and academic attempt at studying nutrition, but my basic understanding is that sugar causes glycemic spikes, or something of that nature, in your blood, which affects how you metabolize or exercise or just kind of live. Affects how? Well, apparently too much of a thing with a high glycemic index is bad bad bad according to folks who work out – not just paleo folks, but it seems like folks on the zone, and all sorts of other strange and interesting eating plans don’t like things with high glycemic indexes. Bad how? You know how diabetes is your body’s inability to regulate the release of insulin so you can metabolize sugar? Well, the less complex a sugar is, the easier it is for your body to break it down and the quicker it all rushes into your blood stream. The less complex a sugar is, the higher GI rating it has as well – and this relationship is not coincidental. Anyway, whether I have it wrong or right, this whole thing has its basis in diabetes, which no one wants. It’s rated 0-100, with 100 being bad (very high GI) and 0 being good (low GI). Meats and vegetables are in the 0-15 range. The M&Ms you said no to are going to be close to 100. Or something like that.

Half a can of Coconut Milk & a mug of water

Half a can of Coconut Milk & a mug of water

So, back to our packets of Swiss Miss. Eew. Just Ew. Let’s forget about those. They’re for apocolyptic emergencies only, and since we have ingredients that may be able to make something better, we’ll give it a try.

two tablespoons of unsweetened cocoa powder

two tablespoons of unsweetened cocoa powder

So, here’s my theory:

Unsweetened cocoa powder
Coconut milk
Water
Vanilla Extract
AAAANNNDDD…
Here, we’ll be using Agave Nectar.

A few seconds of pour of agave light/blonde nectar to taste

A few seconds of pour of agave light/blonde nectar to taste

IS IT PALEO? Technically, I’d say no, but then again, some of the 7 dozen ladies who have tried this have also tried stevia. Is stevia Paleo? Cordain and Mark Sisson don’t say anything technically negative about artificial sweetners, however, their general stipulation is that they are OK if what you are eating is beneficial to your diet. I would agree with that. On the other end of things, should you be mimicking something that is solidly off your diet – like my constant ethical troubles with the ever-evolving paleo-ish butter cake? That is a call only you can make.

There is a great article here on “Smoking Candy Cigarettes.” Which is kind of what we’re doing when we’re having paleo hot chocolate and paleo-ish butter cake. The cocoa powder and coconut milk aren’t necessarily BAD for me, but they’re adding no fiber to my diet and not too many vitamins, minerals or protein and adds LOTS of fat and some sugar (if you’re not using stevia), and I don’t really need either of these today as the other things I’m eating are pretty balanced. So, I am, in this case, Smoking Candy Cigarettes. Sigh.

So, I’ve done the job that few other of the 7 dozen ladies who have attempted paleo Hot Chocolate have not: I’ve given you all the information I have on whether or not this is paleo, rather than just calling it “Paleo Hot Chocolate” and letting you think that I’ve done the legwork. The thing I’m telling you I’m about to make PROBABLY IS NOT STRICT PALEO, or primal, or whatever else you’re doing. If you want to do it right, go back to the pantry, get out your bag of Red Zinger and close your web browser. If you want to fudge a little without feeling like a real cheat, read on.

One capful of Vanilla Extract and STIR

One capful of Vanilla Extract and STIR

So, Agave Nectar. I don’t have stevia in my house. I probably should, but I know that if I did, I’d use it more often than I use the agave nectar (GI 27-41), or the honey (GI 75), or the maple syrup (GI 54!), or the coconut sugar (GI 35-55). Agave nectar has it’s own set of problems though – it’s more processed than honey, coconut sap or maple syrup and way less “primal” – not something that cavemen would have likely had around. In my case, I’ve got agave nectar, maple syrup and coconut sugar. Sure, agave nectar is processed, and sure it’s 80% fructose (a whole other bag of worms), but it’s what I have and I have a sore throat and I want a damned hot chocolate! I DO have Splenda, but I don’t even want to begin exploring the “splenda paleo” Google search because I have a feeling everyone will give a sound “No” for how chemically and processed it is. I’m really making a blind judgement call, here. True, coconut sugar has more minerals and good stuffs for you, but it has a higher GI than agave nectar – and more calories now that I’m looking at the packaging. So, we’re going with Agave nectar – because today I’m caring more about metabolism than history.

Whenever you’re cooking, you should be tasting as you go, so if you want to go ahead and use Splenda or Stevia or Maple Syrup or your Aunt Ethel’s Sweet’n'Low, you go ahead and add it to taste in place of the agave, but don’t say I wasn’t all “INFORM YOURSELF!” Cos I was.

So, how did this project turn out? It was decent! The Agave nectar turned out to be a bit too tangy for the comfortable fattiness that hot chocolate is supposed to create in your mouth. I think next time, I’ll acquire some Stevia or use Coconut sugar. Maybe the coconut sugar can do a little bit to offset my Candy Cigarettes habit.