So, there’s about 7 dozen recipes for “Paleo Hot Chocolate” if you search google for it – thanks to 7 dozen ladies like me trying this thing and craving something other than tea or coffee for a hot beverage. I’ve been out of commission for a second day thanks to a horrible sore throat and while Celestial Seasonings teas are super-great, one more cup of Red Zinger really wasn’t feeling all that awesome to me. I was watching Downton Abbey (the show that confirms for me that I am, in fact, a girly girl, underneath it all), lamenting missed work, missed classes and missed gym time when the thought of the sugar-free Swiss Miss packets in my pantry snuck into my head.

Before we all start throwing our hands up in the air and yelling our heads off about preservatives and lactose and the horrors of powdered hot chocolate (I really have been watching too much Downton), this is where we stop and think about the glycemic index. UGH.

So, I learned about the glycemic index when? Probably about a year ago – spikes in blood sugar and all that. I don’t quite understand it without re-reading things about it first – I don’t think I’ll ever understand it unless I actually make a serious and academic attempt at studying nutrition, but my basic understanding is that sugar causes glycemic spikes, or something of that nature, in your blood, which affects how you metabolize or exercise or just kind of live. Affects how? Well, apparently too much of a thing with a high glycemic index is bad bad bad according to folks who work out – not just paleo folks, but it seems like folks on the zone, and all sorts of other strange and interesting eating plans don’t like things with high glycemic indexes. Bad how? You know how diabetes is your body’s inability to regulate the release of insulin so you can metabolize sugar? Well, the less complex a sugar is, the easier it is for your body to break it down and the quicker it all rushes into your blood stream. The less complex a sugar is, the higher GI rating it has as well – and this relationship is not coincidental. Anyway, whether I have it wrong or right, this whole thing has its basis in diabetes, which no one wants. It’s rated 0-100, with 100 being bad (very high GI) and 0 being good (low GI). Meats and vegetables are in the 0-15 range. The M&Ms you said no to are going to be close to 100. Or something like that.

Half a can of Coconut Milk & a mug of water

So, back to our packets of Swiss Miss. Eew. Just Ew. Let’s forget about those. They’re for apocolyptic emergencies only, and since we have ingredients that may be able to make something better, we’ll give it a try.

two tablespoons of unsweetened cocoa powder

So, here’s my theory:

Unsweetened cocoa powder
Coconut milk
Water
Vanilla Extract
AAAANNNDDD…
Here, we’ll be using Agave Nectar.

A few seconds of pour of agave light/blonde nectar to taste

IS IT PALEO? Technically, I’d say no, but then again, some of the 7 dozen ladies who have tried this have also tried stevia. Is stevia Paleo? Cordain and Mark Sisson don’t say anything technically negative about artificial sweetners, however, their general stipulation is that they are OK if what you are eating is beneficial to your diet. I would agree with that. On the other end of things, should you be mimicking something that is solidly off your diet – like my constant ethical troubles with the ever-evolving paleo-ish butter cake? That is a call only you can make.

There is a great article here on “Smoking Candy Cigarettes.” Which is kind of what we’re doing when we’re having paleo hot chocolate and paleo-ish butter cake. The cocoa powder and coconut milk aren’t necessarily BAD for me, but they’re adding no fiber to my diet and not too many vitamins, minerals or protein and adds LOTS of fat and some sugar (if you’re not using stevia), and I don’t really need either of these today as the other things I’m eating are pretty balanced. So, I am, in this case, Smoking Candy Cigarettes. Sigh.

So, I’ve done the job that few other of the 7 dozen ladies who have attempted paleo Hot Chocolate have not: I’ve given you all the information I have on whether or not this is paleo, rather than just calling it “Paleo Hot Chocolate” and letting you think that I’ve done the legwork. The thing I’m telling you I’m about to make PROBABLY IS NOT STRICT PALEO, or primal, or whatever else you’re doing. If you want to do it right, go back to the pantry, get out your bag of Red Zinger and close your web browser. If you want to fudge a little without feeling like a real cheat, read on.

One capful of Vanilla Extract and STIR

So, Agave Nectar. I don’t have stevia in my house. I probably should, but I know that if I did, I’d use it more often than I use the agave nectar (GI 27-41), or the honey (GI 75), or the maple syrup (GI 54!), or the coconut sugar (GI 35-55). Agave nectar has it’s own set of problems though – it’s more processed than honey, coconut sap or maple syrup and way less “primal” – not something that cavemen would have likely had around. In my case, I’ve got agave nectar, maple syrup and coconut sugar. Sure, agave nectar is processed, and sure it’s 80% fructose (a whole other bag of worms), but it’s what I have and I have a sore throat and I want a damned hot chocolate! I DO have Splenda, but I don’t even want to begin exploring the “splenda paleo” Google search because I have a feeling everyone will give a sound “No” for how chemically and processed it is. I’m really making a blind judgement call, here. True, coconut sugar has more minerals and good stuffs for you, but it has a higher GI than agave nectar – and more calories now that I’m looking at the packaging. So, we’re going with Agave nectar – because today I’m caring more about metabolism than history.

Whenever you’re cooking, you should be tasting as you go, so if you want to go ahead and use Splenda or Stevia or Maple Syrup or your Aunt Ethel’s Sweet’n'Low, you go ahead and add it to taste in place of the agave, but don’t say I wasn’t all “INFORM YOURSELF!” Cos I was.

So, how did this project turn out? It was decent! The Agave nectar turned out to be a bit too tangy for the comfortable fattiness that hot chocolate is supposed to create in your mouth. I think next time, I’ll acquire some Stevia or use Coconut sugar. Maybe the coconut sugar can do a little bit to offset my Candy Cigarettes habit.